perugia

born into it

2008-05-10T22:10:35Z

how else are you supposed to look if you grow up your whole life hearing comments from your dad about how the chubby girl out for a run should just "keep on running"?

how are you supposed to know that it's not normal to get dizzy when you stand up if you've always been skinny and you've always gotten dizzy standing up?

how could I ever finish an entire plate of food if my whole life people have been commenting on how so little food seems to fill up my "tiny belly"?

how could I want to gain any weight if people are continually telling me I disappear when I turn sideways?

how could I ever gain any weight if people forever say how I "look good in anything because I'm so skinny"?

I dont think people know how much they create and encourage bizarre attitudes towards eating.

seemingly minuscule comments made on the fly spin forever in my mind.

perugia @ 2005-06-01T15:10:00

2005-06-01T22:10:21Z

It's bizarre to me how long this has been how I function. How much it is a part of my thoughts every second of the day - every mirror I pass - every chair I sit on - every other woman I see - every man I see. It is an obsession that you dont decide upon.

I was reading back in an old journal from when I was a sophmore in college. I would never write about it, but would write things that I knew were in reference to it all. Once you write it, it is no longer a secret. Even this journal fomrat makes me nervous. Not becuase I'm going to get put into rehab or anything like that - but because I dont want to share it with anyone I know. I cant imagine my boyfriend or my mother knowing these things about me.

But how can they not. How can they see me and not know? People have no idea how open a girl's mind is to this obsession. And how young it all begins.

I think this is normal

2005-05-30T03:12:18Z

Yesterday I was at the pool. It's a family pool, so there were mostly younger people, moms and dads and teenagers. I was looking at all of these kids (be being 28) and thinking about how they looked. these teenage girls already looking chubby. Even the ones that were tall and thin were already starting to have this spare tire thing going, even though they were still significantly thinner than their peers, they are already well on their way to being fat.

I wanted to be able to say "stop whatever you are doing. It has already caught up to you. you may think you can eat whatever now, and you do still look better than your friends, but you are losing it. you are 13 and you are losing it. You're going to go to college and be fat and get depressed and go on crazy "diets"" I just wanted to somehow be able to give her a heads up. but you cant do stuff like that. If in some crazy world you did, she's have eating issues forever.

But then I started thinking that the thoughts I was thinking were normal. Like - this girl already knows that she is on her way to losing it. That she's probably already obsessed with what she does and does not eat. I've been the one that is always skinnier than everybody else. you act like its no big deal and that you're just like that. that you can eat whatever and it doesnt matter. But you think about little else. you look in every mirror. you obsess in your mind like no one knows. You dont write it down and you dont lead on like anything, but natural skinny jeans and a quick metabolism are to blame. "I look just like my mom from the waist up. She played racket ball and got major thighs and then the muscle all went to fat."

So there I am:
28 years old
5' 8"
106 lbs

Feeling way to confident about the way I look.
thinking strange thoughts.
I'm not sure if they are normal thoughts.
Or are they only "normal" for those of us who deal with this on a daily basis? Or are they not normal at all and I'm just way too into myself and thinking thoughts of a total bitch?

natural

2005-05-20T23:17:10Z

Somehow I've found myself having done nothing, changed nothing, but feeling thin and skinny and strong, and happy and excited all at once. I'm at 105 according to my cheapo scale at home. Last time I was at the doctor they registered me in at 113. I almost puked. They never ask you to take your shoes off. I wanted them off. I think she would have let me stand there with my bag on my shoulder had I not put it down. And when I did put it down she looked at me like I was a werido. Is that realy so strange? You want to know my weight, right? Not how many pounds of nonsence I carry in my purse.

Anyway. It feels fucking awesome. Everything in my life seems to be going extra fabulous. I even had a speeding ticket payment returned to me last week saying that there was no such record of a ticked having been issued. Um....I've got the damn ticket on my desk....oh well. Party.

I have been on a milk kick lately. I went anti-dairy for a while due to the nastiness of the stuff. But suddenly I'm way into 2% organic milk over Special K with Red Berries. I've been eating it for lunch and dinner for like 3 weeks. Mmmmm. And Green Goodness by Bolthouse Farms. LOVE THAT. And your full.

perugia @ 2005-03-17T20:57:00

2005-03-18T05:00:01Z

Summer is comming. This is the first time ever that I am somewhat nervous when I think about putting on a bathing suit and what not. I'm usually the one that is super confident. My legs need definition. Need to drop an inch off my waist/hips.

i year later

2005-03-14T18:44:30Z

I am going to 105. Then 100. I'm tired of sitting at 110 for the past 4 years. It wasnt until college that I broke 100 lbs. That's when I quite swimming. I cant swim now. Hours at the pool dont fit my schedule. I do pilates monday. Yoga tues, wed, thursday. Plan on drinking more water. Eating more papaya now that it's back in season.

H20

2004-06-17T23:58:23Z

Not nearly enough water in the past 2 days.

perugia @ 2004-06-13T11:42:00

2004-06-13T18:44:17Z

a HA! I CAN confirm that it was a monthly thing - as of yesterday! Who knew? Did my routince of running, leg lifts, crunches, stretches. Have drank 5/10 glasses of water. Must consume the last 5 this evening! MUST! My goal date is soon - June 29...105. Still hovering at 110.

back

2004-06-10T22:35:27Z

Back on track. Kicked some pc virus ass.
Didnt eat a "meal" either today or yesterday. Drank coffe w/ soy like it was going out of style. Had 2 kiwi mid-day. Did my run and my lig lifts/crunches/yoga yesterday and today as well. Water intake has been low. Only about 4 glasses/day. I'm on my way to 105. BRING IT.
Just measured:
waist: 24
hips: 35.5
weight: 110

perugia @ 2004-06-07T23:42:00

2004-06-07T22:43:07Z

I feel gross. I've consumed so much water today and peed like 3 times. Gross, I know. Maybe its a monthly thing, I dont know. But it feels gross. I'm running like a madwoman tomorrow.

anagurls

2004-06-07T16:29:29Z

I think it totally sucks that anagurls is shutting down. If anybody wants to pick up here and use my lj as a format, please feel free. That's beat.

pc virus

2004-06-05T10:13:00Z

Having SERIOUS virus issues on my pc (sasser AND blaster worm.....) so I'm not able to get on line (at the library now...). Pain in the ass, but I'll be out of touch for a day or so until I get it all straightened out.

perugia @ 2004-06-03T14:52:00

2004-06-03T21:55:10Z

final update for thursday:

crunches: 2 sets of 30
yoga: 30 minutes
water: 2 more before bed will make 10

I'm going to weigh/measure myself in the morning and post that regularly to track any changes.

running, daily update

2004-06-03T18:16:28Z

I've started to LOVE running with other people. I never used to run at all (I'm made for the water, not the land - swam all throgh high school and on my own in college). But since January I've been running 30 5x/week with a friend. It doesnt sound like much, but I can see a difference in my legs and I feel totally different on our runs. I used to get tired early on, but now I can rock along the whole time at a much faster pace. I thought I'd hate it and feel all like we were racing the whole time, but it's great. And talking while you run makes it that much more of a work out. Did you run with your friend today?

That sounds like a good class. I used to take yoga 3 or 4 times/ week and do a mat pilates class 1x/wk. I like classes. Seems I'm more of a group worker-outer than I would have thought...
Today I've had:
3 cups of coffee with soy
6/10 glasses of water
5 cups of peppermint tea (same tea bag - I hate it too strong)
a salad with sesame seeds and Neuman's Own dressing for lunch
I'm making another salad to have with a bit of brown rice for dinner. (It's past 6 now, so I missed that deadline of not eating after 6, so tonight it will be nothing after 8)

How are you about not eating til noon? I actually like it. It is amazing how different it is when you TRULY only eat when you are hungry. Society tells you to eat all the time, but if you listen to yourself and only eat the amount necessary to make you not hungry anymore, it all works out.
where you from?

limited

2004-05-31T21:08:36Z

ryvita
water
apples
chocolate
butterbeans
green tea
peppermint tea
oatmeal
papaya
papaya
papaya
papaya is my favorite

perugia @ 2004-05-26T16:26:00

2004-05-26T23:28:56Z

went out tonight. weight was the topic of conversation. the girl I run with was asked and said she was 130. In my mind 130 is huge. I think she thinks 130 is light. In my mind its monsterous. I'll never weigh over 110. Until I'm pregnant. She's way thin, but in my mind 130 will forever be huge.

perugia @ 2004-05-25T11:42:00

2004-05-25T18:51:16Z

I have become obsessed with this. It was always a part of my life that was just there, but never really thought about. Now its all over me. If I'm not entirely focused on something else, I'm thinking about it. The funny part is that I like being so absorbed in it and having nobody in my life know about it.

I've finally admitted it to myself, and now I get to keep it and revel in it and get skinnier in it and love it and no one is the wiser.

I'm on my way to 105.
Currently 110 and have been for the past 3 years. It must just be my natural weight, but I'm longing for the extremity of 105. Longing.

I had changed my screensaver to this ultimate thinspiration shot of some model on the runway. Black pants slung low, mid-calf length. Way hot. Forgot about it and when I opened my computer up at school yesterday, my friend next to me just kind of kept looking at it. I just went on like it was nothing, but it's usually pic of my little bro there. And I know she was like...hmmm...what the fuck does she have that on her screen for. She's gay and I think she may have her suspicions about me. I'm straight, but were good friends. It was just a funny unspoken moment that hung around for a minute.

This definatley isnt as lovely as seeing the ink on a page. But I'll never write these things in ink. Someone would eventually find them and know. No thanks. I will never share my interest in such a desire to lose weight. I will continue to be the girl who's "jsut always been that thin...she eats, but she's just always been thin".

perugia @ 2004-05-24T13:42:00

2004-05-24T20:43:46Z

fuck